Figured we needed a little levity! Enjoy!
**********
Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.
So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:
-Is Crimea ours?
-Yes, it is.
-And the Donbas?
-Also ours.
-And Kyiv?
-We got that too.
Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks:
-Thanks, how much do I owe you?
-5 euros.
**********
A Russian walks into a bar. Bartender asks "what is it like to live in Russia"? Russian answers "I cannot complain".
**********
A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling “The president is an idiot!“
Police surround him and handcuff him. They say, “It is illegal to insult President Putin”
He says “You don’t understand! I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky. He is the one I was insulting!“
The police captain says, “You can’t fool us. Everyone knows who the idiot is.”
************
Vladimir Putin was being briefed by one of his top generals.
"I've good news and bad news for you this morning, sir."
"Let's hear the good news," Putin replied.
"Intelligence reports indicate that the latest additions to the Ukrainian arsenal are damaged and outdated, and many won't pose any threat to us at all."
"That's excellent! Finally, things might be starting to turn our way! What's the bad news?"
The general shifted in his seat and looked down at the table. "A large amount of our best weapons and munitions have just been captured, sir."
******************
Vladimir Putin arrives at the airport in Poland and gets in line at customs desk.
Customs officer: Occupation?
Putin: No, just visiting.
********************
Stalin's ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country.
Stalin says "Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue."
"Why blue?" Putin asks.
"Ha!" says Stalin. "I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first part."
***********************
Q: What's the difference between Putin and Hitler?
A: Hitler knew when to kill himself
******************
Putin’s car was racing along a back road, as he was late for a tryst.
The car came around a corner and hit a hog in the middle of the road,
killing it. He told the chauffeur to stop, saying,
‘That hog was probably the farmers food for this winter. Go up to the
farmhouse on the hill and tell him that you killed it.’
So the chauffeur heaves himself out of the sedan and trudges up the
hill to the farm house, goes in and doesn’t come back for an hour. He
gets back in the driver’s seat totally drunk and reeking of vodka.
Putin asks where the heck he has been and what took so long. The driver
says he went in and the farmer set him down and got him drunk and
offered food aplenty. Then, the farmer’s daughter came out and enticed the driver into her room where he received pleasures untold.
Putin asked, ‘Exactly, what did you say to the farmer?’
The driver said, ‘I told him, ‘I am Putin’s chauffeur and I just killed the pig.”
************************
“Hey, Yuri, did you hear we’re at war with NATO!”
“Astounding, Ivan, how are we doing?”
“We’ve lost 80,000 men, the storied 1st Guards Tank Army has been wiped out, more than 1,000 of our latest tanks are burned out hulks, we have to get old T62s out of storage to stay in the war, we’ve lost more generals in war than any nation ever, our flag ship is at the bottom of the Black Sea, we’re losing airbases hundreds of kilometers behind lines, land it took us 3 months to take was taken back from us in 3 days, our fleet has retreated from Sevastopol, and we can’t come within 300 kilometers of Ukraine’s coast without getting one of our few remaining warships blown up!”
“That’s terrible, Ivan! How is NATO doing?”
“Oh, they haven’t even started to fight.”
*******************************
Vladimir Putin Visits a School One Day
And he gives a lecture about how great the government is, and how Russia is the best country in the world.
At the end of the lecture he invites people to ask questions and one kid stands up and says:
“Hello my name is Sasha and I have two questions”
Putin: “go ahead”
Sasha: “Why did Russia invade Ukraine? And why haven’t we won the war yet?”
At that moment the bell rang and everyone went to lunch.
At the end of lunch the Q&A continued and another kid stood up
“My name is Boris and I have four questions”
Putin: “Yes?”
Boris: “Why did Russia invade Ukraine? Why haven’t we won the war yet? Why was the lunch bell 20 minutes early and where is Sasha?”
*******************************
What did the Russian billionaire say when checking in at a hotel?
I'd like a room on the first floor, please.
*******************************
Jokes about communism aren't funny unless everyone gets them.
*********************************
Every day in Moscow, same. Man buy newspaper, look front, throw in trash.
Newspaper seller ask one day, "Why you do that? Why you not read inside newspaper?"
Man respond, "I check obituary"
"But obituary not on front page. Is on back page"
"Putin obituary be on front page"
**********************************
An American, a Mexican, an Englishman, and a Russian survive an airplane crash and wash up on a deserted island.
One day the group finds a bottle, opens it, and POOF!! out pops a genie!
The Genie says to the four men, “For saving me from the bottle I will grant each of you one wish!”
The American says, “I wish for a luxury yacht we can use to get home!”
POOF! A yacht magically appears.
The Mexican says, “I wish for a nice hacienda in Cabo where I can have my new friends come to visit!”
The genie assures him it is so.
The Englishman says, “I wish for Queen Elizabeth the Second to come back and rule England!”
The genie assures him it is so.
The Russian says, “Screw them! I wish they had none of it!”
**********************************
Vladimir’s Putin’s plan for the new economy. The goal? Make people rich and happy. List of people attached.
**********************************
Late 1990s. Two New Russians meet in the street. One says to the other: “Hey, look, I bought a new tie. Paid $200.”
“You idiot. Just around the corner you can get the same tie for $500.”
**********************************
A Russian man walks into a shoe shop. He says: “Give me a pair of shoes, please.”
“Certainly, sir, what size?”
“I wear a 10 but I’ll take a five.”
“Why, sir? Are they for someone else?”
“Oh, they’re for me. They’ll be too tight but when I take them off, it’ll be the one moment of pleasure I experience all day.”
**********************************
Putin, during a speech: “I am prepared to give my blood for the cause of the Motherland, drop by drop.”
A note is passed up to the podium: “Vladimir, why drag things out? Give it all now.”
**********************************
A Russian woman walking in Moscow is carrying a bag full of rolls of toilet paper.
A passer-by opens his mouth, "Hey, mother, where did you buy it?"
"Buy? Are you crazy? Where could I buy it nowadays? They are five years old. I am taking them back from the cleaners."
**********************************
A Russian judge walks out of the courtroom, laughing loudly. A colleague asks, "What is it you laugh about?"
"Ah, I just heard an excellent anecdote about Putin," the judge says, sweeping tears of laughter.
"An anecdote about Putin? Tell me!"
"Are you crazy? I just sentenced a man to ten years for that anecdote."
**********************************
The year is 2030. In Moscow, a boy asks, "Grandpa, what is a line?"
"You see, some twenty years back, there was not enough meat in stores, so people had to form long queues at the stores' entrances and wait hoping some meat would appear on sale. That was called a line. Did you get it?"
"Yes, Grandpa. And what is meat?"
**********************************
Seven paradoxes of Putin's Russia:
Nobody works, but the plan is always fulfilled. The plan is fulfilled, but the shelves in the stores are empty. The shelves are empty, but nobody starves; nobody starves, but everybody is unhappy; everybody is unhappy, but nobody complains; nobody complains, but the jails are full.
**********************************
A competition for the best Putin joke has been announced. First prize: twenty five years; second prize: twenty years, and two condolence prizes: fifteen years each.
**********************************
In a Russian prison, two inmates share their experience.
"What did they arrest you for?" one of them asks. "Was it a political or common crime?"
"Of course political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the Kremlin to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system requires replacement.' So, they gave me seven years."
**********************************
A woman walks into a Moscow food store. "Do you have any meat?"
"No, we don't."
"What about eggs?"
"We only deal with meat. Across the street there is the store where they have no eggs."
**********************************
A foreign delegation came unexpectedly to visit a Russian air force base. There was no time to prepare. After they left, the commander of the base called his Kremlin general. "You didn't warn me in advance, so they saw everything, the ruined bombers, and the shattered fighters, and all our negligence and corruption."
"Don't worry," the Kremlin general said.
"But now they will tell about it all over the world."
"So, let them indulge in their usual slander," the Kremlin general said.
**********************************
Putin summoned Shoigu and said, "I know you spread jokes about me. It's impertinent."
"Why?"
"I am the Great Leader, Teacher, and Friend of the people after all."
"No, I've not told anybody this joke."
**********************************
Putin is dead and things have begun to lighten up a bit relatively speaking. An old couple live in an apartment in Moscow and she sends him down to buy some meat for supper. After queuing for the obligatory three hours he gets to the counter and the woman says 'No more meat, meat finished'. He cracks and starts raving 'I fought in Afghanistan, I fought in Chechnya and Georgia and Ukraine and we are still in this shit?' One of the leather-jacketed brigade takes him on one side and says 'Look old man you know you can't talk like this. Just think, a few years ago you would have been shot for saying these things.' The old man trudges home. His wife seeing him empty-handed says 'Run out of meat again have they?' He says: 'It's worse than that, they've run out of bullets.'
**********************************
**********
Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.
So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:
-Is Crimea ours?
-Yes, it is.
-And the Donbas?
-Also ours.
-And Kyiv?
-We got that too.
Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks:
-Thanks, how much do I owe you?
-5 euros.
**********
A Russian walks into a bar. Bartender asks "what is it like to live in Russia"? Russian answers "I cannot complain".
**********
A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling “The president is an idiot!“
Police surround him and handcuff him. They say, “It is illegal to insult President Putin”
He says “You don’t understand! I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky. He is the one I was insulting!“
The police captain says, “You can’t fool us. Everyone knows who the idiot is.”
************
Vladimir Putin was being briefed by one of his top generals.
"I've good news and bad news for you this morning, sir."
"Let's hear the good news," Putin replied.
"Intelligence reports indicate that the latest additions to the Ukrainian arsenal are damaged and outdated, and many won't pose any threat to us at all."
"That's excellent! Finally, things might be starting to turn our way! What's the bad news?"
The general shifted in his seat and looked down at the table. "A large amount of our best weapons and munitions have just been captured, sir."
******************
Vladimir Putin arrives at the airport in Poland and gets in line at customs desk.
Customs officer: Occupation?
Putin: No, just visiting.
********************
Stalin's ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country.
Stalin says "Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue."
"Why blue?" Putin asks.
"Ha!" says Stalin. "I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first part."
***********************
Q: What's the difference between Putin and Hitler?
A: Hitler knew when to kill himself
******************
Putin’s car was racing along a back road, as he was late for a tryst.
The car came around a corner and hit a hog in the middle of the road,
killing it. He told the chauffeur to stop, saying,
‘That hog was probably the farmers food for this winter. Go up to the
farmhouse on the hill and tell him that you killed it.’
So the chauffeur heaves himself out of the sedan and trudges up the
hill to the farm house, goes in and doesn’t come back for an hour. He
gets back in the driver’s seat totally drunk and reeking of vodka.
Putin asks where the heck he has been and what took so long. The driver
says he went in and the farmer set him down and got him drunk and
offered food aplenty. Then, the farmer’s daughter came out and enticed the driver into her room where he received pleasures untold.
Putin asked, ‘Exactly, what did you say to the farmer?’
The driver said, ‘I told him, ‘I am Putin’s chauffeur and I just killed the pig.”
************************
“Hey, Yuri, did you hear we’re at war with NATO!”
“Astounding, Ivan, how are we doing?”
“We’ve lost 80,000 men, the storied 1st Guards Tank Army has been wiped out, more than 1,000 of our latest tanks are burned out hulks, we have to get old T62s out of storage to stay in the war, we’ve lost more generals in war than any nation ever, our flag ship is at the bottom of the Black Sea, we’re losing airbases hundreds of kilometers behind lines, land it took us 3 months to take was taken back from us in 3 days, our fleet has retreated from Sevastopol, and we can’t come within 300 kilometers of Ukraine’s coast without getting one of our few remaining warships blown up!”
“That’s terrible, Ivan! How is NATO doing?”
“Oh, they haven’t even started to fight.”
*******************************
Vladimir Putin Visits a School One Day
And he gives a lecture about how great the government is, and how Russia is the best country in the world.
At the end of the lecture he invites people to ask questions and one kid stands up and says:
“Hello my name is Sasha and I have two questions”
Putin: “go ahead”
Sasha: “Why did Russia invade Ukraine? And why haven’t we won the war yet?”
At that moment the bell rang and everyone went to lunch.
At the end of lunch the Q&A continued and another kid stood up
“My name is Boris and I have four questions”
Putin: “Yes?”
Boris: “Why did Russia invade Ukraine? Why haven’t we won the war yet? Why was the lunch bell 20 minutes early and where is Sasha?”
*******************************
What did the Russian billionaire say when checking in at a hotel?
I'd like a room on the first floor, please.
*******************************
Jokes about communism aren't funny unless everyone gets them.
*********************************
Every day in Moscow, same. Man buy newspaper, look front, throw in trash.
Newspaper seller ask one day, "Why you do that? Why you not read inside newspaper?"
Man respond, "I check obituary"
"But obituary not on front page. Is on back page"
"Putin obituary be on front page"
**********************************
An American, a Mexican, an Englishman, and a Russian survive an airplane crash and wash up on a deserted island.
One day the group finds a bottle, opens it, and POOF!! out pops a genie!
The Genie says to the four men, “For saving me from the bottle I will grant each of you one wish!”
The American says, “I wish for a luxury yacht we can use to get home!”
POOF! A yacht magically appears.
The Mexican says, “I wish for a nice hacienda in Cabo where I can have my new friends come to visit!”
The genie assures him it is so.
The Englishman says, “I wish for Queen Elizabeth the Second to come back and rule England!”
The genie assures him it is so.
The Russian says, “Screw them! I wish they had none of it!”
**********************************
Vladimir’s Putin’s plan for the new economy. The goal? Make people rich and happy. List of people attached.
**********************************
Late 1990s. Two New Russians meet in the street. One says to the other: “Hey, look, I bought a new tie. Paid $200.”
“You idiot. Just around the corner you can get the same tie for $500.”
**********************************
A Russian man walks into a shoe shop. He says: “Give me a pair of shoes, please.”
“Certainly, sir, what size?”
“I wear a 10 but I’ll take a five.”
“Why, sir? Are they for someone else?”
“Oh, they’re for me. They’ll be too tight but when I take them off, it’ll be the one moment of pleasure I experience all day.”
**********************************
Putin, during a speech: “I am prepared to give my blood for the cause of the Motherland, drop by drop.”
A note is passed up to the podium: “Vladimir, why drag things out? Give it all now.”
**********************************
A Russian woman walking in Moscow is carrying a bag full of rolls of toilet paper.
A passer-by opens his mouth, "Hey, mother, where did you buy it?"
"Buy? Are you crazy? Where could I buy it nowadays? They are five years old. I am taking them back from the cleaners."
**********************************
A Russian judge walks out of the courtroom, laughing loudly. A colleague asks, "What is it you laugh about?"
"Ah, I just heard an excellent anecdote about Putin," the judge says, sweeping tears of laughter.
"An anecdote about Putin? Tell me!"
"Are you crazy? I just sentenced a man to ten years for that anecdote."
**********************************
The year is 2030. In Moscow, a boy asks, "Grandpa, what is a line?"
"You see, some twenty years back, there was not enough meat in stores, so people had to form long queues at the stores' entrances and wait hoping some meat would appear on sale. That was called a line. Did you get it?"
"Yes, Grandpa. And what is meat?"
**********************************
Seven paradoxes of Putin's Russia:
Nobody works, but the plan is always fulfilled. The plan is fulfilled, but the shelves in the stores are empty. The shelves are empty, but nobody starves; nobody starves, but everybody is unhappy; everybody is unhappy, but nobody complains; nobody complains, but the jails are full.
**********************************
A competition for the best Putin joke has been announced. First prize: twenty five years; second prize: twenty years, and two condolence prizes: fifteen years each.
**********************************
In a Russian prison, two inmates share their experience.
"What did they arrest you for?" one of them asks. "Was it a political or common crime?"
"Of course political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the Kremlin to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system requires replacement.' So, they gave me seven years."
**********************************
A woman walks into a Moscow food store. "Do you have any meat?"
"No, we don't."
"What about eggs?"
"We only deal with meat. Across the street there is the store where they have no eggs."
**********************************
A foreign delegation came unexpectedly to visit a Russian air force base. There was no time to prepare. After they left, the commander of the base called his Kremlin general. "You didn't warn me in advance, so they saw everything, the ruined bombers, and the shattered fighters, and all our negligence and corruption."
"Don't worry," the Kremlin general said.
"But now they will tell about it all over the world."
"So, let them indulge in their usual slander," the Kremlin general said.
**********************************
Putin summoned Shoigu and said, "I know you spread jokes about me. It's impertinent."
"Why?"
"I am the Great Leader, Teacher, and Friend of the people after all."
"No, I've not told anybody this joke."
**********************************
Putin is dead and things have begun to lighten up a bit relatively speaking. An old couple live in an apartment in Moscow and she sends him down to buy some meat for supper. After queuing for the obligatory three hours he gets to the counter and the woman says 'No more meat, meat finished'. He cracks and starts raving 'I fought in Afghanistan, I fought in Chechnya and Georgia and Ukraine and we are still in this shit?' One of the leather-jacketed brigade takes him on one side and says 'Look old man you know you can't talk like this. Just think, a few years ago you would have been shot for saying these things.' The old man trudges home. His wife seeing him empty-handed says 'Run out of meat again have they?' He says: 'It's worse than that, they've run out of bullets.'
**********************************
