more jokes for you all!!

vetusvir

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Corporal
#1
NEVER CHEAT

ON A COUNTRY WOMAN!

A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.

She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged-up-cheater was terrified and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said ...

"Nope....You are!

I'm gonna burn down the Barn!"
 

vetusvir

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Corporal
#2
TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride

Approached her new husband and asked

For $20..00 for their first lovemaking

Encounter. In his highly aroused state,

Her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made

Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a

Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that

She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was

Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that

His employer was going through a process of corporate

Downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find

Another position that paid anywhere near what

He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which

Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling

Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued

By the bank which were worth over $2 million,

And informed him that they

Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than

Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,

These holdings had multiplied and these were the

Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments

Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could

Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,

'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,

I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when

To keep their mouths shut
 

vetusvir

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Corporal
#5
A TRIP TO Costco!

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore...

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends.....it will be their Laugh for the day
 

vetusvir

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Corporal
#6
Pelosi and the Pope

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on a stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards her and says, "Do you know that with one wave of

my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy

will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day

and rejoice!"

Pelosi replied "...I seriously doubt that. With one wave of your hand?

Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.
 

vetusvir

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Corporal
#7
Hi friends

You will like these !

Kids Are Quick

____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this kid)

____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher
 

HILLBILLY

FORUM BAD ASS
Private
#9
:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
 
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