"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:... -- What was I thinking?" "Congratulations on your wedding day!... -- Too bad no one likes your wife." "How could two people as beautiful as you.... -- have such an ugly baby?" "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love... -- After having met you, I've changed my mind." "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life... -- I never believed in Hell until I met you." "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... -- that you're not here to ruin it for me." "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me... -- Like the need for therapy." "Thanks for being a part of my life!!!... -- I never knew what evil was before this!" "Before you go,... I would like you to take this knife out of my back. -- You'll probably need it again." "Someday I hope to get married... -- but not to you." "You look great for your age... -- Almost Lifelike!" "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me... -- Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise." "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend... -- So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys." "We have been friends for a very long time... -- What do you say we call it quits?" "I'm so miserable without you... -- It's almost like you're here." "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy... -- Did you ever find out who the father was?" "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... -- I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."