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Tax Joke

H

hankquinlin

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"
 
PROACEX1

PROACEX1

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Donator
We need an Official Hank Joke Thread.
 
Kratos

Kratos

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Donator
Yea since vetus vir disappeared, something about the real world blah blah blah. .. lol
 
vetusvir

vetusvir

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Polish Moose Hunters

 

Two Polish hunters got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.

 

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.

 

The hunters strongly objected saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both  ...  and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."

 

Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.  However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.

 

Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Stan survived the crash.

 

After climbing out of the wreckage, Stosh asked Stan, "Any idea where we are?"  Stan replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year!"
 
vetusvir

vetusvir

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PHONE REPAIR 

 

Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008

 

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report

her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and

that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always

moaned right before the phone rang.

 

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to

see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone

pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

 

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog

moaned and the telephone began to ring.

 

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

 

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground

wire with a steel chain and collar.

 

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

 

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when

the number was called.

 

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning

and then urinate.

 

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing

the phone to ring.

 

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by

pissing and moaning.

 

Thought you'd like to know.
 
Kratos

Kratos

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Donator
Well on TS Hank said he conceded! Looks like Vetus Ver is still the Champion! You want All maps VIP or Metro?
 
H

hankquinlin

Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get his cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply must keep all my cows."

They no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only one animal in it: the biggest baddest bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from him. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"
 
H

hankquinlin

There are two sisters. One is blonde and the other is brunette and they inherit the family farm.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the farm, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our farm.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our 4x4 and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, and then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.

She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your 4x4 and drive out here to haul that bull back to your farm if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. It's a big word. She'll read it very slowly.....
 
H

hankquinlin

A lion and lioness are sitting in their den, when a monkey climbs up a nearby tree and starts insulting the mighty lion.

The lioness starts to get angry and says, "King of the jungle, how dare you allow this puny monkey to insult you? You must punish him."

"You are right, but you know what? I am king of the jungle and I must not lower myself to his level. Let's ignore it."

The lioness, astonished, sat in silence. Yet the monkey kept on. After sometime, the lioness looses her patience.

"I cannot allow this any longer. I'm going to teach that monkey a lesson."

So the lioness chases after the monkey. After a long chase she finds herself out of the jungle and at a construction site. She sees the monkey going through a narrow pipe and leaps in after him. The pipe apparently was not large enough, and the lioness gets stuck.

Seeing that the lioness is stuck, the monkey walks around behind her.

"Who's a bad girl? Who's a bad girl?!!" he yells as he spanks her butt over and over and over. The monkey continues for a few minutes and then finally leaves with a big smile on his face.

After an hour long struggle, the lioness finally frees herself from the pipe. Injured, and completely embarrassed, she returns home to the jungle and to her king.

"So how did the hunt go?" the lion curiously asked.

The lioness couldn't even look at him.

"Aaahhh, he took you to the construction site didn't he?"
 
H

hankquinlin

Fred feared his wife Rhonda wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the Doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Rhonda, what's for dinner?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response..

So he walks right up behind her. "Rhonda, what's for dinner?"

"For the FIFTH time Fred, CHICKEN!!"
 
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