Joke of the Day

[Hawx]

09/03

I was standing at the bar at an International Airport when this small Chinese guy walks in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?" He says "No, why the fuck you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?" "No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."

 

[Hardersoft]

A Jewish guy walks into a bar. He see's a Chinese guy sitting on a stool, drinking a beer. He knocks the Chinese guy off the stool. The Chinese guy says " What was that for? The Jewish guy says " That was for Pearl Harbor". The Chinese guy says "That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese". The Jewish guy says "Japanese, Chinese, all the same thing." The Chinese guy knocks the Jewish guy down. The Jewish guy says "What was that for?" The Chinese guy says "That was for the Titanic". The Jewish guy says "Titanic? That was an iceberg". The Chinese guys says "Iceberg, Goldberg, all the same thing"

 

[Hawx]

09/06

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

[Hawx]

09/11

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.< When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!" "Oh no!", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. "Where's my Rolex???!!!"

 

[Slash5.0]

09/11

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.< When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!" "Oh no!", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. "Where's my Rolex???!!!"

HAHAHA

 

[Hardersoft]

A blonde goes to the Dr. The Dr. says "what's wrong, dear?" The blonde says "I don't know. Every where I touch I get terrible pain. I touch my arm and it hurts. I touch my leg and it hurts. What could it be, doc?" He says "That's easy. You have a broken finger."

 

[Hardersoft]

A drunk is half shit faced, and is walking on the beach one night. He stumbles on something. Looks down, and it's a lamp. He rubs the lamp and a Genie appears, and says "Master, I am the Genie of the lamp. You have two wishes for anything you want". The drunk is elated and stops for a few seconds to think. "Hmm. How bout a bottle of booze that never runs dry?" The Genie says your wish is my command." Poof ! There's a bottle of booze in front of him. He picks it up and takes out the cork. Pulls a huge swallow, and another, and another. Looks at the bottle and it's still full ! "Wow !" says the drunk. "This is really fucking great ! Give me another one !"

 

[Hawx]

09/16

"How much for these shoes?" – she asked the store manager.

"$200" – he replied.

"That’s too expensive! Can’t you bring the price down?" – the blonde.

The store manager said he couldn’t, and got irritated when the blonde persisted. Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, "There’s a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don’t you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?!" – he yelled.

"Fine. I will." – the blonde replied.

After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her. When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones. Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed "Oh my gosh! This one doesn’t have any shoes either!"

 

[Billybong]

That's a GOOD one Hawx!!!

 

[Hawx]

09/18

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick! Spit'em out! They're assholes!"

 

[Hawx]

09/20


A police officer stops a car for speeding. "I'm sorry, but I have to give you a ticket. However, I won't fine you if you solve this riddle." says the officer. The man in the car accepts. "Okay then. It's nighttime, you're on a road and you see two lights approaching. What is it?" "A car", promptly answers the man. "That's too vague-", says the officer, "it can be any kind of car. I'll have to give you a ticket." "No!", says the man, "give me another chance." The officer agrees and says: "It's nighttime, you're on a road and you see a single light approaching. What is it?" "A motorbike", answers the man. "That's too vague-", answers again the officer, "it can be any kind of motorbike. I'm sorry but you failed again." "Oh come on! Give me a last chance!" says the man. The officer agrees again and says: "It's nighttime, you're on a road and you see two low and wide-apart lights. What is it?" "A truck", answers the man. But again, the officer says it's "too vague". So the man goes: "Considering that we're playing games, may I give you a riddle too?" "Okay" says the officer. The man proceeds then to tell: "It's nighttime, you're on a road and you see a flickering light. Close to it there is a young woman dressed in a revealing outfit. What is it?" "A whore", says the officer. "Too vague!", says the man, "It could be your mom, your sister, your wife..."

 

[Hawx]

09/24

And is in the mood for some dancin. He just creased his shirt, starched his pants and most importantly, spit shined his boots. Feeling confident he walks up to the first good looking girl he's says and asks her to dance. She says sure and they hit the dance floor. A little while in he says: "'scuse me miss, you don't happen to be wearing purple panties?" She says yes and when she asks how he knew he tells her that he just spit shined his boots. She slaps him and walks away. Still feeling confident he walks up to the next pretty girl he sees and asks her to dance. She says yes and together they go out to the dance floor. A little ways in he says: "'scuse me miss, you don't happen to be wearin pink panties?" She says yes and when she asks how he knew he told her that he just spit shined his boots. She slaps him and walks away. Still feeling it, he walks up to another gorgeous gal and asks her to dance. She obliges and they begin dancin. A little ways he in he looks down at his boot, looks at the gal, then looks back down to his boot. He says to her: "miss, you aren't wearing in panties are you?" When she says no and asked how he knew he replies: "thank god, I thought I had a crack in my boot."

 

[CR8Z]

I was waiting for him to see a dick.

 

[Hawx]

09/26

A girl came skipping home from school one day. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!” “Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” “Yes, it’s because you’re blonde,” her mother replied. The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!” “Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” “Yes, pumpkin, it’s because you’re blonde.” The next day the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. “Very good,” said her embarrassed mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?” “No, it’s because you’re 25.”

 

[Hawx]

10/02

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was, and he replied, "I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister in in the third grade and I'm smarter than her too." The teacher took him to the principal's office and explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question, he would go back to the first grade and be quiet. The teacher and Johnny both agreed. Principal: "what is 3 x 3" Johnny: "9" Principal: "6 x 6" Johnny: "36" And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour, he told the teacher, "I see no reason Johnny can't go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right." The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree. Teacher: "What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?" Johnny: "Legs" Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I dont have?" the principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering, Johnny says, "pockets." Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Johnny: "Pants" Teacher: What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?" Johnny: "Firetruck" The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.

 

[CR8Z]

I like this johnny kid.

 

[Hawx]

10/09

Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, "Where?" Kevin said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?"

 

[Hawx]

10/11

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?

 

[Hawx]

10/13

Two kids were talking together.
First: "My daddy is so tall that he can touch the clouds in the sky with his hands."
Second: "That is excellent. Does your daddy touch something soft and downy?"
First: "Yes, of course."
Second: "Those are my daddy's testicles."

 

[Hawx]

10/16

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